


starboy

by angstonly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, but i love renmin, idk how to tag, pure boy renjun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21629491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: "renjun, what exactlyareyou?" belatedly, jaemin's eyes widened and he quickly waves his hands and began to ramble. "wait, no, that's probably really rude! oh my god, i'm so sorry. i just— you're— your skin is— i'm so sorry, renjun—"renjun smiled at him and shook his head, reaching out to take jaemin's hands in his own. "it's okay," he whispered. renjun was warm, jaemin thought. he was much warmer than when they stayed outside in the cold rain. "i'm a star."jaemin blinked at renjun, forehead creasing as the bemusement settled on his features. "a star?""a star.""like a celebrity or..?""like. a star. from the sky."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, mentions of marknohyuck cause why not
Comments: 5
Kudos: 66





	starboy

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of a remake of a fic i wrote back in 2011 for shinee lmao hopefully you guys enjoy this as much as i did!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaemin meets the star on his front porch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part one !! i'm so excited for this fic and i hope you guys enjoy this :(((
> 
> also this part is dedicated to all my moots who love and support all my renmin stuff asflsfkjk

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

it was not quite a surprise anymore that his luck would call forth a raging rainstorm in the middle of the summer heat. with university student na jaemin, misfortune pummeled him one after the other without any regard for his sanity as soon as the first began. today was a whirlwind of misadventure, set in motion by the seven ignored alarms and twelve missed calls waiting for him when he woke up that morning. disaster struck one after the other, leaving jaemin feeling like the universe was holding his head underwater as he thrashed and struggled to break free, only to inhale the ocean into his lungs and carry the weight in his chest until the novelty of his misery had worn off.

platinum blonde hair stuck to his forehead as he walked home that night, umbrella lying forgotten somewhere in his bedroom because _who the fuck would expect a rainstorm in this weather_? jaemin wasn't sure why whatever cosmic deity controlled his luck that this was the day he was bestowed. so now he was wet and cold and walking down familiar streets, praying to a god he doesn't even believe in for his fortune to turn around.

and it did. maybe. he wasn't really sure if the encounter with the naked, shivering boy sitting on his front porch was considered a turn of luck.

"wh— hello?" jaemin hesitantly called out, eyebrows furrowing as he steps closer. jaemin figured that he should have been more cautious to approach, especially considering the absurdity of the sight before him. this was a boy stark naked in front of his house, just sitting in the rain. sure, jaemin thought, ignore every lesson about stranger danger and talk to this boy. "er, i think— hi, can i help you?"

the boy lifted his gaze to meet jaemin's. then jaemin's mind went blank as the boy glimmered under the moonlight, milky white skin almost effervescent against the darkness that surrounded them. "hi," the boy answered, hugging his knees closely to his chest. "i-i don't— i'm not sure why i'm—" the boy looked at jaemin with a confusion that mirrored jaemin's own, his eyes searching jaemin's for answers he didn't have. "i'm sorry, i'm— c-can you help me? i'm sorry."

"hey, it's okay, you don't have to apologize," jaemin was overcome with a tenderness he himself didn't know he had. years of hardship and a life on his own had hardened him and compelled him to desensitize himself from the emotions that would plague him if not for the walls built protectively around his heart. jaemin approached the boy and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "come on, let's get you in some clothes, yeah? we can figure this out together, but we need to get out of this rain."

a small smile tugged at the boy's face and he nuzzles his cheek softly against jaemin's hand. "thank you."

the gesture was so cute that jaemin had to swallow down the squeal that was threatening to escape from his lips.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

his name was huang renjun. that's what jaemin learned as he offered the boy a towel. jaemin rushed to cover him up because he was painfully aware that this boy was still gloriously bare as he flashed jaemin little smiles with twinkles in his eyes. jaemin watched as he shone under the fluorescent lights of his humble abode, staring unabashedly at the sight of renjun's skin literally _sparkling_.

"renjun, what exactly _are_ you?" belatedly, jaemin's eyes widened and he quickly waves his hands and began to ramble. "wait, no, that's probably really rude! oh my god, i'm so sorry. i just— you're— your skin is— i'm so sorry, renjun—"

renjun smiled at him and shook his head, reaching out to take jaemin's hands in his own. "it's okay," he whispered. renjun was warm, jaemin thought. he was much warmer than when they stayed outside in the cold rain. "i'm a star."

jaemin blinked at renjun, forehead creasing as the bemusement settled on his features. "a star?"

"a star."

"like a celebrity or..?"

"like. a star. from the sky."

jaemin wasn't exactly sure why but he believed him. just like that, jaemin was believing in such a preposterous story that a star fell out of the sky in human form and landed naked in front of jaemin's house. normally, he wouldn't. jaemin was a rational man— a scientist, even. he was studying chemistry, where things made sense and there was a logical explanation for every seemingly impossible phenomenon that presented itself to him.

renjun's story did not make sense. but jaemin believed him anyway.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

iced coffee—the dark brown elixir of salvation that revived him from his daily morning catatonia. one sip and already, he felt more alive than he did five minutes prior. his best friend, lee donghyuck, stared at him with his face contorted into an expression that screamed absolute disgust. jaemin rolled his eyes and finished over half of the drink within the next minute, which made donghyuck cringe even more.

" _anyway_ ," donghyuck emphasized the word with a clap of his hands. "like i was saying, can i stay over? jeno's in some sort of delayed teenage angst phase and mark is doing absolutely nothing to help the situation. they're fighting like idiots and neither of them want to tell me just exactly _what_ is going on. i'm tired, my roommates are a mess, and i just want some quality time with my best friend."

jaemin set his now empty cup on the table and stared at donghyuck with his lips pressed into a thin tight line. he wasn't exactly sure how to explain to his best friend that he now had a huang renjun living in his apartment— a huang renjun, who is a boy of childlike innocence and wonder who jaemin had been teaching the ways of the human world. jaemin pondered on his options: one, he could find some plausible excuse to avoid said sleepover; two, he could make up some story of a distant family member who he was tasked to take care of; or three, he could tell donghyuck the truth and accept whatever reaction he would throw jaemin's way.

in the end, he told the truth.

"a fucking _star_?" donghyuck stared incredulously at jaemin. with the way donghyuck gaped at him, it almost seemed like jaemin was speaking a foreign language. "you're kidding, right? how does that even work? did he just... what? _fall_?"

jaemin nodded. "yeah. he fell. that's it."

the illogicality of the story was not lost on jaemin, who knew himself how strange such an incident was. it was unheard of—no one had ever claimed to have seen a star fall from the sky, let alone one in human form. but this was the truth that stared jaemin in the face every time he walked inside his house, dressed in jaemin's clothes that were too big for his smaller frame, greeting him a warm _welcome back_ like a puppy waiting for its owner when jaemin came home from school.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

renjun hid behind jaemin, clinging onto the back of his shirt, peeking at donghyuck from jaemin's back. jaemin wound his arm around renjun to comfort him, a tender smile on his chapped lips. "it's okay, renjun. this is my best friend, donghyuck. we've known each other since we were barely able to stand on our own." jaemin patted the top of renjun's head lightly.

a shy smile crept up on renjun's lips, stepping to jaemin's side to meet donghyuck's gaze. "h-hello, i'm renjun."

"holy shit." this was all donghyuck could say as he gawked at renjun. he had made up his mind on their walk to jaemin's that his best friend had gone absolutely mad, but the presence of the boy now glowing before him proved him wrong. he wasn't exactly sure what it was, but renjun himself just standing there was enough for him to believe in the insane story of a star falling to the earth.

"i'm sorry!" donghyuck blurted once his mind finally came back to him, flashing renjun a much more pleasant expression than the one that he had greeted the boy with. "sorry, it's just— it's not everyday that you meet a literal _star_. i don't think this ever happens, actually. or does it? do you guys just drop from the sky very often and we just don't know about it? is this some sort of secret that we can't ever talk about? or wait, do we—"

"hyuck," jaemin warned with a stern tone, austere eyes boring into donghyuck's as a silent command to _shut up_. "maybe one question at a time? you're making him nervous."

true enough, renjun had already taken his previous place behind jaemin, clinging onto his shirt as though his life depended on it. donghyuck smiled apologetically.

"i'm so sorry. let's start over, yeah? i'm donghyuck."

sheepishly, renjun repeated, "i'm renjun."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

curious eyes greeted him as he woke up from the sound of his alarm. jaemin blinked at renjun, puzzled by the way the other is crouching down on his bedside. renjun stared at him, the browns of his eyes gleaming honey when met with sunlight. and he smiled tenderly when jaemin finally sat up and greeted him with his own warm smile.

"good morning, renjun," jaemin spoke, voice raspy and hoarse, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "you know, you can't just stare at people like that while they're sleeping. it's a little weird."

renjun's smile faltered, guilt overcoming his features. "i'm sorry, jaemin. i just— i came in to wake you but you looked so beautiful and peaceful that i didn't want to interrupt your sleep."

"oh." jaemin felt the heat rise to his face at the earnest words that renjun offered. "i-it's okay, renjun. thanks for the compliment, i guess?" a nervous chuckle escaped jaemin's lips as he slowly rose to his feet.

it had been four weeks since renjun appeared on his front porch and jaemin wasn't exactly ready to admit that his presence had been a welcome change to his routine. it was odd, to say the least. he had lived on his own for so long that jaemin wasn't quite the best at compromise or accommodation, especially when it came to the life of another person. it sometimes felt as if he had found himself a partner, considering the sacrifices he would make to ensure that renjun lived comfortably as they figured out why he had come to the human world in the first place.

but renjun was not his partner—jaemin always made sure to remember that. instead, renjun was an unexpected guest. there was no logical explanation for it, but jaemin almost felt _responsible_ for huang renjun. renjun was new to this world when jaemin met him and he found himself adopting a role that could best be described as a guide. a guide to what exactly, jaemin wasn't really sure.

"so why did you want to come wake me?" jaemin peered over at renjun from his reflection in the bathroom mirror, adjusting his sleeves before turning the faucet on.

renjun stood by the door, a bright smile on his face. "i made breakfast!"

jaemin couldn't help but grin back at the cheer that exuded from renjun's very being. there was a thump in his chest begging to be acknowledged, but jaemin opted to ignore it instead.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

jaemin brought renjun out to the mall for the first time because renjun needed clothes. sure, he could make do with jaemin's for a while. but as the time they spent together grew, the need for more clothes did too. jaemin didn't have enough to wear as it stood and sharing with renjun made his laundry days far more often than usual. renjun adamantly refused, not wanting to wear anything other than jaemin's old shirts. he even insisted that laundry was unnecessary— that renjun was more than willing to wear just one set of his clothes until they were no longer functional.

"renjun," jaemin's eyes were pleading as he held out clothes for renjun to try on. "please just try these on. they're the exact same things i wear."

renjun frowned at him, a contrast to the glimmering of his skin under bright white lights. "they're not the same."

"yes, they are. i get my clothes here. you can't just keep wearing my clothes. they're not even your size!"

renjun's eyebrows furrowed and for a brief moment, hurt flashed in his eyes. "i don't care," renjun muttered. "your clothes— they smell like you. it's comfortable. they feel like your hugs— warm, safe, comfortable. i just— i don't want to _not_ feel those. i-it makes me feel close to you even when you're not around. i like sleeping in it a lot because it's like you're holding me. i just feel more relaxed. i don't understand it, but that's how i feel."

 _thump_. his heart was calling out to him again as warmth and faint rose adorned his cheeks. renjun was sincere as he spoke, not once breaking from their held gazes as they stood by the fitting rooms. _warm, safe, comfortable_ — those were the words that renjun given him. _thump_. his heart was knocking against his ribcage, within it a small bud of emotions planted in the shape of huang renjun. it threatened to blossom, right then and there, but jaemin forced it away with the same fervor as he always did when it came to things he would much rather avoid.

words, however, often betrayed him. because then jaemin said, "then how about i actually hold you?"

renjun blinked at him, disbelieving eyes searching jaemin's for any hint of a fib. "y-you'll hold me?"

"y-yeah," jaemin's face felt hot as he responded. "yeah, if you let me buy you clothes, i'll hold you until you sleep."

renjun frowned again. "no."

"no?"

"hold me all night. you can't leave me." renjun said firmly, staring deeply into the dark browns of jaemin's eyes.

na jaemin was a scientist who fancied rational thought and logical reasoning. yet whenever it came to huang renjun, whose very existence challenged every bit of knowledge and information jaemin had been spending his life learning, he would always come undone.

"okay," jaemin finally said, nodding slowly. "deal."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the first time was awkward and jaemin wanted to burn himself alive. sure, he had been with other people before, but never like this. never this _intimate_. jaemin's bed had only known fleeting bodies, drunk on the motions of affection without any true familiarity. jaemin lied down with his back to the mattress, renjun curled up against his side, head resting on jaemin's shoulder. this was different. _so fucking different_.

jaemin had never done this before.

he had never allowed anyone stay in his bed long enough for sleep to come. daylight was taboo in his engagements; there were nighttime visits or none at all. he had never allowed anyone to cling to his side and lie close enough for jaemin to feel warmth and inhale scents unfamiliar. in fact, he had never allowed anyone to do any of the things renjun did around him.

but soon enough, it became routine. renjun would wait for him wearing his own better-fitted clothes, sitting on his bed with one of jaemin's neglected textbooks in his hands. he would beam at jaemin when he walked through the door, setting the book down to throw his arms around him and ask about whatever information he read from the book. jaemin would shower, brush his teeth, and do his skincare routine. then he would slide into bed and wrap his arms around renjun, breathing in the familiar smell of their shared lavender shampoo that became more characteristic of renjun than it did jaemin.

what once held silence began to fill with conversation— the two of them in exchanges ranging from mundane to philosophical, sometimes breaching topics of the unknown that jaemin adamantly refused without scientific backing. in discussions like those, renjun always used himself as proof that some seeming impossibilities weren't truly impossible at all. and in those discussions, jaemin would often stay quiet and concede.

when the night grew deeper and the sky grew darker, renjun would fall asleep in his embrace and his skin would twinkle and glow like a nightlight against the shadows. renjun's innate incandescence was beautiful, even more so when jaemin was holding him this closely. the thump in his heart was louder, more apparent. and the planted flower of sentiments had already began to blossom, watered by every touch and smile renjun brought into his life.

he held a star in his arms, one that brought light into his world and easily knocked away at the walls surrounding his heart.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

somewhere along the way, jaemin stopped counting the days since renjun appeared on his doorstep. it didn’t matter anymore— renjun had already found himself a place in the secluded world of na jaemin. so when he went home that evening and there was a glaring absence of glimmering skin, a panic rose to the back of jaemin’s throat. he dropped his things immediately, finding his voice only to call out for renjun’s name. strong feelings emerged from within him at the thought of renjun already returning to the sky without so much as a goodbye.

jaemin stopped dead in his tracks when a familiar glow peeked from behind the curtains covering his balcony. there stood huang renjun, head tipped upwards, unable to hear any of jaemin’s cries. jaemin breathed a sigh of relief, slipping his jacket off and draping it over renjun’s shoulders as he stepped into the cold beside him.

"what are you doing out here?" jaemin’s voice was soft; all urgency dissipated as soon as he saw the boy beside him. "you’ll catch a cold out here."

renjun kept his gaze locked onto the night sky, a wistful smile ghosting over his lips. he lifted his arm and pointed above, head tilting slightly to give jaemin a quick glance before looking back up at the sky. "do you see it?"

furrowed brows met renjun’s nostalgia before following his direction. the expanse of darkness was dotted generously with lights of varying brightness. jaemin wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to see. he stared, _glared_ even, until he finally did.

a small tear— imperceptible at best, but it was there nonetheless. a tear in the sky where renjun once sat.

"is that— was that your place?" jaemin’s voice was quiet, a whisper only loud enough for the two of them to hear.

renjun nodded slowly, peeling his gaze from what was once his home to look into jaemin’s eyes. there in the quiet, jaemin could hear his heartbeat ringing in his ears. _thump. thump. thump._ each knock is louder, stronger. the moment they share watered the flower of emotions in his heart even more and made it much _much_ more difficult to ignore.

"i used to only just watch you," renjun confessed with a shy smile. "from up there, that was all i could do. i watched and listened and sometimes when you talked to the stars, it would feel like you were talking to _me_."

"why—" jaemin paused, licking his dried lips as he gathered the words in his head. "why did you fall?"

renjun shrugged his shoulders, shifting to look back up at the sky. there was an expression on his face that jaemin didn't know what to make of. "i'm not sure," he sighed, reaching a hand out toward the heavens. "i won't really know until i come back and they tell me. at some point, i began to respond to you when you spoke. but of course, you wouldn't hear me. so i mentioned it in passing, wanting you to hear me at least once. maybe the polaris told the sun that i wanted to be here, that i wanted to meet you even just for a little while and be with you even just for a little while. "

renjun spoke in a despondent tone that sent warning signals to jaemin's mind. he reached out to the boy, glowing brighter under the moonlight, and took renjun's hand in his—a silent resignation, a quiet desperation. "you'll have to go back."

a sad smile took home upon renjun's lips as he looked over at the crestfallen jaemin, whose fingers slipped perfectly in the spaces between his. he said nothing; it wasn't necessary. his return to the sky was an inevitability that neither of them could impede.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"this final is going to be the absolute death of me," donghyuck groaned, leaning back against his seat as he lifted his gaze up to the ceiling. it was another day at the coffee shop, table littered with forgotten papers and books as they began conversation. "why must good people suffer?" he spoke into nothing. donghyuck had a flair of the dramatic, rivaling any theater major on the stage if he so chose to pursue acting.

jaemin rolled his eyes, taking a sip of the iced coffee that donghyuck opted to refer to as a death wish. "but hey, you said your roommate situation got figured out, right? at least that's one thing off your plate."

donghyuck's head snapped back up, eyes gleaming with intent as a grin spread on his lips. "oh my god, na jaemin, let me tell you all about that. you will _not_ believe it, though."

jaemin raised a challenging eyebrow, folding his arms against his chest. "try me."

"they were fighting over _me_! holy shit, right?" jaemin met donghyuck's gaze with pure astonishment, mouth hanging open in disbelief. when he could offer no words, donghyuck continued. "apparently, mark overheard jeno talking to jisung about asking me out and he flipped the _fuck_ out because one, mark's been in love with me since forever ago and jeno knew that. and two, jeno never told mark he even had feelings for me. the shit show, right?"

jaemin's mouth was so widely agape that flies could have come and gone and he would be none the wiser. when he finally returned to his senses, jaemin found himself laughing at the theatricality of it all. "this reads like one messy teen romantic comedy, hyuck," jaemin snorted. "okay, so you have two hot roommates both in love with you. how did you even know? better yet—how did this mess even get resolved?"

there was a twinkle in donghyuck's eyes as he continued his story, voice filled with mirth as he spoke. "the brat told me!" he exclaimed, punctuated by an ecstatic clap of his hands. "jisung got so tired of them bitching and whining at him that he called me one day and told me to get my boys in line." donghyuck laughed heartily at the memory, lips settling into a smile. "so after that, i dragged them both to the living room and told them to spill it all out because i already know the truth."

jaemin was amused, smirking as he intently listened to his best friend's tale. "you know, i always said they'd make a movie out of your life someday. this just adds so much more fun into the script. but again, resolution?"

"that's the best part!" donghyuck was beside himself with glee, leaning in from across the table as he finished his romantic-comedy come to life. "i told them they were stupid to fight over me because lee donghyuck does _not_ get bound to only one man." and as an afterthought added, "except you, of course, jaem baby. we're forever."

jaemin snorted, eyes filled with cheer that donghyuck always found a way to bring out. as sad and lonely as his life was, donghyuck was his sun—a permanence he couldn't ever be without. jaemin's smiles were a rare commodity, generously given only to those jaemin deemed worthy enough of his joy. "forever." he repeated, amused yet warmed all the same. "so in conclusion, you rejected them both?"

"oh my dearest jaemin, on the contrary! i accepted both," donghyuck's grin was bright. jaemin could even dare say it would rival renjun's skin. "they're going to have to share and behave if they really want me."

donghyuck proceeded to tell jaemin about their agreement. the three of them spent the rest of the afternoon writing rules and expectations so they could make things work. jaemin wasn't exactly sure what to make of it all, but donghyuck seemed happy and he wasn't one to keep him from that.

but then donghyuck turned to jaemin with eyes more serious, voice deeper and quieter. "and you? how are you and starboy?

jaemin deadpanned, "starboy? really?"

when donghyuck only shrugged in response, jaemin propped an elbow on the table, chin resting on his hand. his mind wandered to their night out in jaemin's balcony, the impending goodbye and the devastating uncertainty of _when_. there was a heaviness in his chest he wanted to ignore, an emptiness he knew could swallow him whole. donghyuck was calling out his name, worry creased into his forehead.

jaemin looked up and with glassy eyes said, "what do i do, hyuck?"

jaemin could never hide anything from donghyuck. so he made no effort to try. he recounted the first time he felt the thump in his chest, the first time renjun's smile planted emotions in his heart. donghyuck understood the gravity of the situation—he was jaemin's best friend, after all. there was no one else in the world who knew all the suffering jaemin had been through, all the sadness, all the losses and goodbyes. donghyuck knew that people were jaemin's poison, that his best friend had built a protective wall around himself to preserve what little hope he had left. it was why he never let other people in, why donghyuck was the only one he ever talked to; it was why jaemin was crumbling before him at the thought of one more goodbye.

it wasn't just any other goodbye either. humans of the world are uncertain—it was always a what if. it was always _maybe_. maybe they'll leave, maybe they won't. maybe they'll hurt you, maybe they won't. but huang renjun wasn't like that—their goodbye wasn't a matter of _what if_ ; it was a matter of _when_.

jaemin went home with a heavy heart, mind reeling with all things both definite and unknown. there was hesitation when he reached his front door, the ache in his chest heavier than it was before. he knew what was going to greet him on the other side of the door—huang renjun, beautiful and pure, would smile at him and welcome him home with a warm embrace that washed away any fatigue jaemin would accumulate throughout the day. renjun would watch him carefully as jaemin ate the dinner he prepared that night, nervous despite consecutive nights of jaemin reassuring him that he always enjoyed his food. renjun would ask about his day, listen to him rant about this and that, all while smiling and nodding eagerly at each story. then they would go about their nightly routine, and the sound of renjun's even breathing would be the last thing he hears before jaemin falls asleep.

jaemin stood outside, frozen on his front porch unable to open his door. donghyuck's question from earlier that day rang loudly in his ears. _jaemin, are you falling for him?_ again and again and again, it ran laps in his mind, begging to be answered.

jaemin knew the answer. he knew deep down what the thumps in his chest were telling him. he knew deep down what his whole body was screaming for him to acknowledge. but it was an answer he didn't want. because he _can't_.

it didn't matter what the answer was because he can't.

with a shaky breath, he walked away from his home and called renjun on the phone.

" _jaemin?_ "

"h-hey renjun, i'm not gonna be home tonight. i just—um, i'm going to stay at donghyuck's for a little bit. you'll be okay by yourself for a while, right?"

" _oh... um, yeah? i think so... is everything okay?_ "

"y-yes," jaemin forced out, voice low and breathy. "everything's fine. good night, renjun."

jaemin didn't wait for a reply before hanging up and letting donghyuck know he was coming over.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

it was donghyuck who forced him to come back home and face renjun. jaemin had found himself a makeshift home on donghyuck's couch. at first, the throuple understood—jaemin had allowed donghyuck to relay the circumstances to them for the sake of complete transparency. but when jaemin skipped his lectures for the fourth day in a row, donghyuck dragged him out and took him back home to deal with whatever emotions he kept buried. jaemin had to talk to renjun like an adult instead of avoiding his problems like he always did.

the door swung open and donghyuck and jaemin both stood immobile. and after a breath of silence, donghyuck bid jaemin good luck and walked away. enormous guilt settled in jaemin's stomach as he was greeted by renjun with a tired smile, wearing jaemin's clothes, eyes red and swollen. jaemin walked inside quietly, frowning deeply at the sight of neatly prepared breakfast with a plate for jaemin waiting on the counter.

"you're in my clothes again," jaemin whispered, ignoring the lump forming in his throat. "you look tired."

renjun's lips quivered as he struggled to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. "i-i told you i-it helps me sleep w-when you're n-not around," he breathed out, fighting desperately to keep his voice from cracking. "b-but i still couldn't sleep."

"i-i'm sorry, renjun," jaemin casted his gaze downward, his heart breaking at the consequences of his actions. it was exactly as donghyuck said—jaemin was someone who avoided his problems, regardless of what if meant for other people involved. this was his punishment—watching renjun keep himself from crying at his expense. "i'm sorry i left you all alone without an explanation."

renjun tried to blink his tears away, to no avail. they rolled down his cheeks like an endless stream and he hid behind his arm and turned around so jaemin wouldn't see. "y-you can j-just tell me to l-leave," his voice was so small and raw in between quiet sobs. "i-if i'm a p-problem, i c-can go."

in the nineteen years that na jaemin had been alive, he had never felt worse than he did right at this very moment. not even all the bullshit of his past compared to the agony of watching renjun, sweet and kind renjun, break down in his kitchen because of him. every sob and shaky breath tore into his soul and screamed profanities he knew he deserved. he rose to his feet and took renjun into his arms, one hand pressing him firmly against his body and the other stroking renjun's hair. renjun clung to the front of jaemin's shirt and sobbed into his shoulder.

"hey, no, you're not a problem, okay? i-it's me," jaemin's tried and failed to keep his voice level and calm. but each sniffle against his shoulder broke down any strength he thought he had. "it's me, renjun. i'm the problem. i'm scared. i'm so fucking terrified of losing you. a-and when things get hard, i run away. b-but i won't anymore. i'm here, i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

"w-what are you talking about?" renjun asked quietly when his tears have begun to settle. "l-lose me?"

jaemin pulled away just enough to be able to gaze into renjun's eyes. "when you go back to the sky," jaemin whispered, the pads of his thumbs wiping tears from renjun's face. "i don't— i'm—renjun, you have become _so_ important to me that the thought of you leaving me just—it's terrifying. i just—i've lost and been been left by too many people to count... but renjun, losing you would hurt worse than all of those combined."

jaemin didn't know when he started crying. but he realized only when renjun reached up to wipe at his tears. "i don't want to leave," he murmured, eyes earnest and sincere. "i-if i had a ch-choice, i wouldn't ever go back. i like being with you, jaemin."

jaemin closed his eyes, forehead resting against renjun's as he continued to let his tears fall. "i don't know what to do, renjun. i'm scared."

renjun wrapped his arms back around jaemin and hugged him tightly, almost desperately—almost as if any less would have him slipping from his hold. "jaemin, i'm still here. r-right now, i'm still here. and i want to make the most of it. i want to do everything with you while i can."

jaemin took a deep breath, wrapping his own arms around renjun once again. silence filled the air between them, heavy and unrelenting. the emotions they shared were knocking the air out of jaemin's lungs and his heart was thumping so loudly that he couldn't even hear his own thoughts anymore. but maybe it was time he stopped thinking too hard and paid attention only to what was in front of him— to what he had in his hold.

so finally, when all was still except time and their beating hearts, jaemin whispered, "me too, renjun. i want that too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk what u think so far !!! [twt](http://twitter.com/princejaehyvn) / [cc](http://curiouscat.me/jactheangstqueen)

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me :~) [twt](http://twitter.com/princejaehyvn) [cc](http://curiouscat.me/jactheangstqueen)


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